Its been two weeks

In a way, I am worse, there are more moments that come up, that choke me up. They are not what I expected. I changed the fridge to hold foods that I like and it was so different than what "we" ate, that I feel guilty that I changed it.
When I do go shopping for grocerys, friends and neighbors come up to me, and say "Oh you poor thing" and give me a hug. The last time I went, it was 6 hugs event. Hmmm, I am not sure I am comfortable with it.
My kids call all the time, my daughter expected me to fall apart, and when she heard me informing her brothers, that they were not to make decisions for me, I speak for myself, she said she was worried less, She still calls to see how I am, and I assured her I am working on this thing, and she can help(she lives a 14 hour trip away)on the phone with all this electronic bill paying my husband started to do. One of the twins lives an hour and a half away and he calls every day, to see how I am . His twin brother and my brother(they both live on each side of me.) call me also, every day, and inquires.
I am definitely loved,but I just do not know what to tell them. I wake expecting him to have made the coffee, and waiting for me to have coffee with. It comes back to me, and then I have a "moment." I just keep going, and fuss with my garden, the house, and all the large amount of details, of his dying and his estate, and establishing my future monetary future. I keep trying and I hope I can get through this, with my sense of humor.

a week later

It is has been a week, we had visitation, the funeral. My kids were great, My daughter returned home after being here two weeks. My one twin, just left for home and job. The other twin lives next door. I have just finished all the thank you cards. Now I have to talk to Social Security, insurances etc etc.
Medical bills, funeral bills are all piling in, but I am numb, confused, hurt and angry. I want him back here, but I know that is not possible.
I will try to get it together, but it will not be easy. I have never understood the word - alone - before. I do now. kids, friends family can't fill this particular empty spot. I am not a whiner, I just decided I need to vent, but I know it will not change anything.
I will take one step at a time, I guess. later!!!

Husband passed away

My husband passed away this morning at 5:25 a.m. of Cancer of the bladder, and a bacterial infection.

12 hours at hospitl

I was at the hospital for 12 hours, he had tests, then trying to decide what we are going to do after he has to leave hospital. He absolutely helpless right now, I can't move him or lift him. so have to deal with insurance people. He is not sleeping, infection is some better, but he can't have chemo till he gets rid of infection. We do not know if chemo brought on the infection so more confusion and decisions. Life has changed 500% in the last two months. All I do is hospital, doctors and insurance. I am getting tired, tired, tired

husband;s complications

My husband had his first chemo, a double dose, it knocked him for a loop, and it cause him to get a bacterial infection of the urine, then the blood, he is in serious condition, but we hope at this time, he can finish him chemo. The chemo will only give him some more time, and maybe inprove his symptoms, but if it causes the infection to come back, we do not know if he can tolerate this. I am going day by day, do not know what else to do. I guess I will vent on this page. I am not ready to let go, but he is showing signs that he is ready to let go. He is tired, he hurts, he can't walk, but we have a small window of time, maybe we can improve things for awhile. I am running out of optimism.

time and cancer

Time, what a small word but what a large concept. I have come to realize that we think we have alot of it(time) but we do not. My husband is diagnosed with bladder cancer, and it aggressive. When he had symptoms it had already progressed from bladder to prostrate, liver and lungs. He is starting chemo, hopefully it will delay the progression and make him more comfortable than he is.
I go from denial, to optimism, to being to tired to think of how to feel. I am trying to concentrate on my gardens and clutter busting to keep busy when I am not helping him. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I must keep trying and I will try to get my spirits up. try try try
One of the things that confuse me is that people ask me - How are You? I say fine, what am I suppose to be, I am not sure. I think they feel that I should be mourning him already but that is silly, I feel I should be enjoying his company and making the best of it. The sadness can come later. At least, I am trying to keep it for later.
I also am going to rename this blog and eliminate my other one. any suggestions!! The other blog is glory 2001, my internet name and the other blog is name is part my maiden name - Wyatt and part married name Christian. Which should I keep or eliminate or come up with a new name.

I am back

I am back with a short note, to say my computer has been acting goofy, so we sent it to our friend who fixed it, so I will try to be on here more(again)
I am also spring house cleaning, so this note will be short, two rooms down, and 5 to go. Then to my basement and to my son's basement(we own his house, and my crafts and antiques are there. I am downsizing! Oh okay, I will try, I am the original packrat. The two rooms I have done look so good, I think I am actually going to get it done this time.